 Wisdom Index Age Animals Coachspeak Colloquialisms Communication Computers Crime & Justice Earthen Russian Wisdom Escape Family Life Fashion & Manners Food Friendship Government & Politics Happiness Is ... Home Is ... Homosapien Commentary Invention Journalism Laughter is the Medicine Laws Life v. Death Love or Lust Mental States Money & Success Observations Recreation Religious topoi Restroom Graffiti State of Sense Time & Space Transportation Truth and Deceit Voting & Elections War & Patriotism Work You know it's going to be a bad day when ... |
Computers He who laughs last is running at 300 baud. I think there is a world market for maybe five computers ... six tops. Thomas Watson, chairman IBM, 1943 Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons. Popular Mechanics, 1949 I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year. editor Prentice-Hall books, 1957 But what ... is it good for? IBM engineer commenting on microchip, 1968 There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home. Ken Olson, chairman Digital Equipment Corporation, 1977 640K ought to be enough for anybody. Bill Gates, 1981 Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse? COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster. 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. Some compare the internet to a labyrinth. I consider it more like Franz Kafka's "The Castle." Richard C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN <----------The information went data way----------> Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new bugs in. BREAKFAST.COM Halted ... Cereal Port Not Responding The name is Baud ... James Baud. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! Access denied - nah nah na nah nah! C;\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay... Why doesn't DOS every say "EXCELLENT" command or filename! As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope) Backups? We don' NEED no steenking backups. E Pluribus Modem ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available. An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting. Does fuzzy logic tickle? A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord. wHAT iS wRONG wITH mY cAPS lOCK kEY? Syntax? Why not they tax everything else. Thou shalt remember the 11th commandment and keep it wholly. Notebooks of Lazarus Long 11th commandment - Thou shalt not take thyself too seriously. 12th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium. Disinformation is not as good as datinformation. Windows: Just another pane in the glass. SENILE. COM found ... Out of memory ... Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk? Ultimate office automation: networked coffee. RAM disk is not an installation procedure. Shell to DOS ... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS ... All computers wait at the same speed. Computer - a device designed to speed and automate errors. Press CNTRL - ALT - DEL to continue ... Smash forehead on keyboard to continue ... Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue ... E-mail returned to sender - insufficient voltage. Help! I'm modeming ... and I can't hang up! All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS Press any key ... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! Press any key to continue or any other key to quit ... Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! Error:Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q) Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works gre0?_%" Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) Read my chips: No new upgrades! I really hate this damned machine, I wish they would sell it. It never does quite what I want, but only what I tell it. Hit any user to continue. 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!! I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control! Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. UseNet is full of flaming talent. Usenet readers are too eager to break the news. Will the information superhighway have any rest stops? Moahers' Law of Software Engineering- Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If it did, you'd be out of a job. Disk Full - Press F1 to belch. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network? (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer? General failure reading drive A. Press any key to continue, any other key to abort. Micro Credo- Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. Do witches run spell checkers? If you put garbage in a computer, nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a machine, is somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it. Weinberg's Second Law- If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Profanity is the one language understood by all programmers. Computing power increases as the square of the cost. Lubarsky's Lay of Cybernetic Entomology- There's always one more bug. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. When a compiler accepts a program without error, on the first run, the program will not yield the desired output. Programmers don't mind the least bit. Adding manpower to late software makes it later. Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run. Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory. Dogs eat kibbles; Computers eat bits. Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction. Inexplicable--Dogs have a dew claw; Computers have a SysRq key Interchangeable disks won't. Not until a program has been in production for six months will the most harmful error will be discovered. Who is this General Fault and what is he doing on my hard disk? On a clear disk you can seek forever. Nothing ever works, and if it does, it won't for long. It works better if you plug it in. Fast computers are a RSCI business. Dog's favorite trick - roll over; Computer's favorite trick - play dead. Dogs mark territory by lifting a leg; Computers mark territory by - Designed for Windows95. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. Any program that depends upon human reliability is unreliable. Feature (n.) - a surprising property of a computer program. A bug can be turned into a feature by documenting it. At the source of every error blamed on the computer, you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. You must realize the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable proof of this is the computer always does what you tell it to do. One reason why computers can do more work than people is they never have to stop to answer the phone. Program (n)- a magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages. (tr. v.) to engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward. Beware of computers, they byte. Windows 95 (n) - 32-bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition Copyright İRonald W. Sitton, 2009. Revised 022606 - http://southerner.net/sitron/wis/wcpu.html  |